the clock is ticking. winding down to the time I lose my dad. this is my first vent in awhile. first things first, I know im always bitching at my dad, I know deep down I don’t mean it. and each passing moment his illness gets worse, he gets worse. and nothing gets better. first time tonight he sat me down and had a talk with me. I always try to tell myself this isn’t gonna happen but now I have to realize it is. maybe its because im still an immature kid. and many aren’t like me in my situation. my parents are old. my dad, our provider, is getting sick, and sooner or later hes gonna be gone. I know out of all my siblings, Ive never been the best one to always count on, I am one of the laziest ones, I tend to hide everything I think, im the sensitive one, the youngest, and the one that doesn’t have a clue. I don’t know where to start, is a hard thing to admit but im going to have to. my dads dying, or atleast is getting worse, diabetes isn’t getting better, is on dialysis, going deaf, and about to go blind. and so weak he can barely getting up, yea he still has his temper and what not, and sad to say, I think its the one think that clouds my judgement, and I don’t really see him. I don’t understand him, it makes not wanna care. tonight he had a talk with me. I admit I have never had any close or tight bond relationship with my father, and I know I will regret that after hes gone. his sickness makes him depressed and I understand why he yells and gets mad. I will admit I am selfish and I tend to only care for myself. I never really thought of him, until now. he tells me, u and ur mom are not ready, not ready to lose him and have it end up just my mom and I. which is a real eye opener, because I know once hes gone, no one will be left take care of my mom except me and my siblings, except my siblings have their own lives their own families their own problems, except me im the youngest and its my responsibility. and I know that. the thing is im afraid of all this. idont know what to do. as bad as it sounds, I do try to avoid this topic, because It ruins me, this is probably my first real test in life that I know most of the ppl I know don’t have to go through at this age. financially were not set up for when he goes, and we are overall jus not ready when he ends up going fully blind, deaf, immobile, etc. one way or another were not gonna have him forever. and its just now hitting me. and we wont be prepared unless I do something about it. im not saying this whole situation is a burden, its my responsibility. but cmon those who judge me, please get off my back, this is a lot to take in for a kid. especially one who has no clue on what hes gonna do. idk how to help my dad, while I still have him around. Idk where to begin. his biggest fear isn’t dying, his fear is whats gonna happen to me, the youngest, and my mom, who is slowly getting sick herself, and especially uneducated. im it, im the one, im the one who has to help out the most here, and I feel like a bitch cause im afraid, im afraid to face all this. idk where to start. I know I cant keep thinking bout myself anymore. im so focus on my personal life and about enjoying my life, I ignore the big issues I need to focus on the most. and I feel just terrible just realizing everything now. I feel like a terrible son, a failure. I don’t wanna blame this situation why I never decided to go to college, or go to the navy, but when I think about it what if I did? wouldn’t the situation be more difficult. im scared and im not ready. I wish everything was fine, I never knew growing up I have to face this when I became 18. even tho my dad was already getting sick, when I was bored, I didn’t expect something like this to be given to me. I wanna cry like a baby I wanna scream, because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to feel better idk, where to begin to even start fixing this or atleast help the situation. I don’t think any of you understand how scared I am, and how scared to show how I feel about this, especially to my older siblings, who always perceived me as the weak one, the lazy one, the helpless one, the selfish one, the son who always makes stupid mistakes, and doesn’t know what to do with his life. that’s honestly how I feel. and aside from all this, idk what to do with my very own future. everything ive been doing lately has had no significance expect its all only for my own selfish needs. and a request that my dad has given me and what he wishes me and all my siblings to do, which is one hard thing to do, is acknowledge my half brother or just even help him out. and deep down ill admit the topic makes me angry, but what can I do that’s already there? I know how my mom feels about it and that’s why I hate the subject.
idont know where to begin with all of this, I don’t how to feel about it and how to go about everything, as its all coming at me so fast, at our family so fast, I feel like a failure as a Monzon, I don’t even like a part of the family, because I show no good quality, i cant even prove to my dad, that im the one who can assure him everything is going to be okay when he passes, i cant even show him that, what kind of son am i? imagine the feeling. He can go at anytime, if he passed tomorrow, i will know i will have failed this family and my dad. idk how to play my role in all this. i don’t have the courage to say i can handle this and i can push through it. what am i going to do? i cant sit here and whine or sit here and try to avoid it all, i know i have to do something, but idont have the first clue, and im afraid to try, im afraid to fail. im afraid for when my dad dies, i fear for my mom, who shows she will be okay, when i know in the end she will rely on me and my siblings, but i know mainly me. and it hurts cause no one believes i can do all this. i don’t even believe in myself. i cant decide on what to do, with the limited time that is given to me so far. Im not so close with God or anything, sometimes i wish i can speak with him, and ask for help, and actually get a response u know? if i get through this and accomplish everything, things will be different. and i know this will change me, completely. the fear of growing up is about to take its toll on me, i cant be a careless little boy anymore, its time time to become a man, and deal with my problems, and be responsible. im not even sure. im not ready. i am truelly afraid.
Theres no point in doing what i wanna do. Cause i guess they make me a bad person i guess. Oh well idc anymore. I was born to serve nd please ppl and not be able to do what i wanna do. Sorry that ima guy, its just how iam … Ugh fuck it. Theres no good reasons for what i want except i just want it.
I cant believe im gonna stop dancing. Hello future.
All this stuff after highschool, is pretty heavy to think about and deal with, when ur getting close to the end. Dont get me wrong i love dancing i wish i could do it forever. But theres that point in ur life when u gotta get ready for the real world. And i wanna move out more then anything. Now i understand why all seniors that once danced slowly stopped cause they had to worry bout other issh, like after highschool. It was the best thing to do in highschool for me nd some others. If i could do it forever, and not have to worry bout money nd living on ur own, or making a living, that would be amazing. thats just not the case. Its not like im that good, where i can rely on it forever. U can only dance for soo long. It was never bout showing at school or to ppl. For now, i needa focus on priorities, and jus take out my emotions on dance, thats why i dance to let out whatever i feel. Growing up sucks. lol. Some of u still have a few more years ahead of u, but the senior/future thing, will hit u. And its like someones forcing u to step out become a full on adult. haha
U wonder why i sleep late and im so tired during the day, its nights like these, when u walk away. sucks knowing im not worth it to u. or anybody. u yell nd curse at me, for trying to talk? ok i guess ill jus accept everything for u to be happy.
i dont want this life. i rather live the life like in The Walking Dead, and be in Rick Grimes group, nd my weapon is two short swords.